I Want to Cry

I've wanted to cry for so long… after years of holding back the tears, I held them back so far - that they could no longer be found.

I couldn't cry even if I wanted to… No matter how hard I tried.. No matter how sad something was.. I couldn’t cry.

A heart breaking story, a traumatizing event, nothing could shake it.

I would go looking for the saddest things, searching for a reason.

I hoped the reason would find me, I hoped the reason would hunt me down.

I couldn’t cry.

It was no longer about trying not to cry, it was that I simply could not.

I didn't know how.

The thought of tears scared me, but yet I craved them so.

The desire to feel human, the desire to feel all of the emotions life has to offer, the desire to feel sadness so deeply.

Such a deep sadness, that a chemical release could take place, I knew they were built up somewhere.

Somewhere deep, somewhere lost, somewhere waiting to be discovered - I hoped.

I hoped that it could not all be lost, I hoped that something still existed that could trigger the release.

I told myself to be patient, the moment would come, but after years of waiting, you start to question.

Perhaps I've gone cold, perhaps there is something wrong with me, perhaps I am dead inside.

It sounds extreme, but what other excuse can you offer up when you simply don't cry?

Surely there must be a blockage, surely there must be a cold so cold, or a disconnect so disconnected.

Like a toy without batteries, lifeless, that's what I've become.

This may sound like a paradise, only feeling happiness, and no sad…
Unfortunately I know the truth about emotions..

If you can't feel the deepest of sadness, then you cannot feel the highest of happiness.

They are counter balanced, like a balance sheet in accounting, they are always equal.

In order to feel great emotions in one area, you must open yourself up to all areas.

This truth leaves me wanting more, it leaves me wanting to experience the full range of human experience.

Designed to experience a plethora of emotions we are - designed to interpret our experiences and FEEL.

 

I want to feel, I want to cry, I want so badly to cry.

For if I shed tears, I'll remember what it feels to be human, I'll remember what it feels like to be uncontrollably sobbing.

The lack of control, the feeling of uncontrollably crying, when you feel so human.

Even when you want to stop you can't, and somehow it feels so good, the release, the feeling.

I want to cry, I've wanted to cry for so long.